Of Girlfriends, Make-up and Lipstick

I could hear them laughing from the front door. I could hear them giggling and talking excitedly as I came up the stairs. At the door, I paused for a second, wanting to delay the moment I intruded on their fun. The sight that met me on the other side of the door was exactly what I expected. The floors of the living and dining rooms were strewn with 'girly' items I had never owned. A million different shades of lipstick and fancy make-up kits, dainty looking shoes and an assortment of hair curling and straightening thingies. I gingerly tip-toed through the paraphenalia, into my bedroom and sat on my bed. As the sounds of the girls' laughter and singing stubbornly reached my ears, I got to thinking...

I have never had a girlfriend. I have had female friends of course, in boarding (high) school, in college, and even now at work and grad school. But I've never had a girlfriend.

A girlfriend is the girl you go shopping for shoes with, one you discuss your new beau with... one you go clubbing with, get drunk with, laugh with, cry with... And I just realized, I've never had one of those. In fact listening to my roommate having the time of her life with 5 of her girlfriends was a very weird experience. I was fascinated, terrified, and irritated...all at the same time

My boyfriend is my best friend....this time it doesnt sound that 'cute.' I take him shoe and candle and perfume shopping. I know when he says "This would look hot on you" he means it. But isnt a girlfriend a necessity. Why dont I have one? Why havent I had one yet? Boyfriend says its because i moved out of home too young (16) so I became 'self-reliant.' And I am too serious with my work and school, so I never had time...or never attracted 'girlfriend material' acquaintances.... Thats all well and good, but who will give me bad advice when i have relationship problems?? Who will help me pick colors for my wedding? Or plan my baby shower?

Whoa. A voice in my head just asked me "Who has always done it??"

Answer: My boyfriend.

This is sad. I need a girlfriend. Ok, lets see if I can find one real girlfriend before the end of the year. *shaking my head*

Stay tuned,

MystiQue

I cant find the switch to turn off my brain. Help.

People, including myself, have always labelled me as a 'thinker.' As flattering as that may sound, this label has caused me quite a bit of pain over the years...the chief reason being that the term is not a label; it's a fact. I do think, I think too much. I used to pride myself at being an analytical person, I'd analyze the minutest details of every situation or object until I was satisfied it was what it seemed or claimed to be. The one problem with that idea is that the one object I over-analyzed was myself.

So..last night, as I usually do when sleep eludes me, I got to thinking. Today was my last day in the lab I have been working in for the last 2months...so of course that was the main topic in my mind. I realized I couldnt wait for today, I couldnt wait to leave this place and set up shop in a completely new place. I smiled, and thought of the last place I had been. I loved it there, but at the end, I couldnt wait to leave. I thought of my last days in college, I loved my college, but when my time was coming to an end...I couldnt wait to leave. I thought about my ex. I had fun with him, we had a good run...but when the milk got sour..i couldnt wait to leave...As my neurons continued firing...I thought about other places I had been in or other people I had met. When time begins to run out, I cant get away from those people or places fast enough...

A realization hit me, so hard I sat up in bed and stared in the darkness with a tight frown on my brow. I am not a psychology person...but I am sure wanting to run from every situation you're in or people you're with is not okay...

I've heard people say they have a fear of commitment... I've never understood it, and I thought it was one of those things I'd never have to deal with. Now here I am, thinking... Am I really afraid to commit? Have I ever been truly committed to someone or something, for a fairly long time, and not considered heading for the hills?? Oh boy :(

Constantly discovering,

MystiQue

Times like these...

Times like these make me wonder;

wonder whether the now seemingly

countless years before I met your

smile were truly as bright as they

seemed now that I am used to the

blinding light of your soul.

Times like these have me thinking;

about all the times I felt satisfied and

content... Now that I know the satisfaction

your touch holds, and the contentment the

scent of your skin provides...

Times like these when I stare at you for hours;

marvelling at the perfect balance of beauty and

masculinity held in your curves; I cant help but

doubt all the things I have praised as beautiful...

Times like these my love, make me remember

every tear I have shed, all the nights I tossed and

turned, and the days I have spent convincing myself

someone or something like you...just did not exist...

These times make me sad... to think that I have

spent so many years deprived of the chance to love you

They make me ecstatic that now I have you... to love..

To stare at during times like these...

Poisonous Thoughts....

Finally, I break through the surface.

The cool air kissing my forehead and the tip

of my nose make me shiver and suck in my first

breath of cold clean air. Pure air, free from the

scent of your skin, free from the sounds of our

heavy breathing or the thick sweet nothings you

lather on me as the sweat evaporates off your chest

or the moisture of my kisses dries from your lips.

Crystal clear air that rushes into my lungs shocking me

with its intrusion and clearing my mind enough for me

to complete my first logical thought in months. A thought

not clouded with the illusion of love nor tainted with the

promise of a future I can neither fathom nor imagine....

Codename: Discovering MystiQue

So...who knew that something as seemingly simple as packing up my meagre belongings and setting off into the sunset, to a new state...would have such a HUGE impact on my life. I have been here exactly 21 days, but already...I feel like a new me. Call me naive, but grudgingly packing my bags before the move it never dawned on me that I was abandoning life as I knew it, and creating a blank slate. The (very) few times a scintilla of fear crept into my mind I assured myself that every part of America looked exactly the same. Every state has a Walmart, right? And a Lowes, a Kohls, a Dollar Tree, right? So I didnt expect much, other than the time zone, to change. Boy, oh boy was I wrong.

In the past 3 weeks I have gone through so many different classes of emotions, at some point I stopped trying to keep up!

It's not secret that I hated my college, I literally could not wait to get out of there. The administration and general student body let me down so many times, I learned to expect nothing...so that at times I could be pleasantly surprised when someone actually did what they were supposed to.The one thing I could always count on however, was the noise level. My new place is the complete opposite. I live at the very end of my street. About 20 steps away are woods! They led to a biking/walking trail...and a little further down: a creek. So, umm yeah, it can be verry quiet here.

I am rediscovering me... Where I've been, where I am, where I'm going...how I'm getting there. I've had to re-evaluate what makes me, me. What makes me happy... What I want from life, etc.

I am lovin it!!!!

MystiQue the adventurer!!

Pair Up!!

There are many advantages to living alone, with the closest family nearly 1000miles away, which i plan on telling you about in a later post... But in the past few days I have also discovered the biggest disadvantage: time. Being on my own has so far left me with more time on my hands than I know what to do with. Don't get me wrong, I love having time to myself... Who wouldn't love waking up in the morning with no set agenda...who wouldn't want to spend the day in their underwear or just a t-shirt. I did that today. Woke up late, showered, and put on my "seniors rule" tee. I spent most of the day with my ipod tucked in my sports bra, singing and dancing to Ricky Blaze, using my toothbrush as a microphone... 

The down side to so much time, is thought. People like me, no matter how idle they are, can never switch off their brains. So after a while, I put down my toothbrush, put on some shorts, hit the biking trail and got to thinking. Ahem, and Dr MystiQue came up with a few conclusions and questions.

The world, no matter where you are, but especially the Western world, is centered around couples. Everything, be it housing, employment, credit, taxes... is optimized for (married) couples. Seriously. Married people pay less taxes. Married people are more likely to be hired, coz apparently being spiritually bound to someone makes them more reliable. Married people get loans and credit a bit easier than us spinsters and bachelors....

What does this mean?

Well, being Christian (Adam and Eve)..and a helpless romantic...i have always thought people were made in pairs. We are meant to 'pair up.' I truly believe human beings, no matter how self sufficient, or independent they label themselves; are incomplete without a significant other. I think we were made to be mates. Call it ridiculous but I truly believe this, and I see more and more evidence of this everyday. Or maybe that's just my bio clock ticking again... but seriously...

Love and relationships have more than their share or pain and tears, but i think most times we endure, or risk again because we meant to. We are made to 'pair up.' I sincerely hope, dear reader, that you think 'duh' throughout this post, because that means you agree with me. But there are millions of poor souls out there convinced they are loners, or that they 'just aren't made for relationships.' There's no other way. To live a full, complete, content, satisfying life; one has to 'pair up'!!

Which brings me to my next thought, this one I had while I was strolling along the bank of the 'creek' right outside my house: Since we are made to be mates, there has to be someone for everyone. Somewhere out there there is the exact half of you...the exact half of me. The romantic in me says that this other half is literally a soul mate. Someone you can and will open up to, completely. Someone you love no matter how long you have to wait, how far they are...or how much healing they need. They are your other half...

Advice to self: Stop searching. Your other half is there, waiting. Remember, neither distance nor time can break the bond between you... that existed before either one of you did...

Contently thoughtful

MystiQue...

Swirling Emotions (read: I am feeling emo)

Letting them out, out of my mind, out of my heart, my soul...

Through my mouth, through my pores, through my words...

Finally I stop trying to bury it, 

Finally I realize I cant push it down any further, 

So I stop.

The harder I push, the higher it surfaces, 

The higher it surfaced the more it pushed back.

So I stop.

I try to walk away from it, 

Grab a bite to eat, go for a walk...

The further I walk,

The faster it runs after me...

So I stop.

It catches up with me.

I stand, rooted to the spot, 

My arms stiff by my sides, my eyes closed.

It rushes towards me, faster and faster

I feel it as it touches my back, 

Threatening to bore into me, through me

The stiffer I stand, 

The harder it prods.

So I stop.

I relax. I surrender. I open my eyes. Breathe in

Like a warm breeze it kisses the back of my neck...

Like a fictional laser beam it makes its way through me...

I feel it.

Crawling into my skin, flowing into my blood, eating into my flesh.

The more I trace it

The faster it flows...!

So, I stop.

It continues filling me up, a warm presence all over me.

The closer it gets to my heart, 

The faster my heart beats...

I get scared. 

I try to block it out, 

But it moves faster.

So...I stop.

It reaches my heart...

I gasp.

It crawls over and around

Encasing my heart.

I cant breathe

I cant think.

It...love...has settled in my heart

And I cant...stop.

Chocolate High - India Arie ft Musiq Soulchild

I am completely, totally, loving this song...In fact the whole album is addictive, like chocolate...Go get it!!!

If we make each other happy, then we just can't lose

I don't mean to be decadent
I might sound like a hedonist
But the simplest way I can put it
You become a habit
The more I consume, the more I gotta have it

Ain't no such thing as too much
If you gave me everything it'd never be enough yeah
My black coffee with sugar no cream in the morning
You're my super double caffeine dream yeah

Your precious darkness got me so strung out
Aand lovin' the way that you got me so wide open, my babydoll
Jonesin' and fienin' under my skin
My nerves are screamin' when you're not here
See baby I need ya sugar, you're so delicious

CHORUS
There is somethin' about your love
That makes me just want to open up
Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
I'm addicted to your chocolate high
Cause I want you, and I know that you want me
So let's stay close like we supposed to be
And just get high off our own supply
I'm addicted to your chocolate high

I be trippin' in so many ways if I
Go a single day without a taste of your love
The finest cuisine of today's world
Five stars, oh you're so gourmet girl

I crave you, I want you
Every cell in my body needs you
Tasty like Hershey's and Nestle
You're rich like Godiva boy you just so sexy

(Repeat Chorus)

Your flavor is the sweetest thing in life
And I don't ever want to come down
I'm addicted to your chocolate high
Oh yeahhhhhh

A Love so Pure

I had been looking forward to getting out of that ***** school for so long I imagined that the day I actually broke free would be...the best day of my life, I thought nothing could overshadow the feeling of freedom and joy I would feel. I was certain nothing could mean more to me on that day that graduating and walking out that ***** school.Boy oh boy was I wrong. As soon as he confirmed he was coming thoughts of the moment I would walk across that stage were completely overshadowed by thoughts of the moment I would set my eyes on him, and hold him, and hear his voice. Throughout the graduation reception I couldn't concentrate, I was scouring the audience for him, turning my head at every shout, hoping that was him a little too excited. Even at the most important moment, when I was in the middle of that stage, nothing else was in my mind, but him, my beloved brother R.F.N

Due to some family misunderstandings and bullshit, I didn't grow up with my brother, the first time we hugged I was 17, he was 24. But the moment I lay my head on his shoulder I loved him so much I didn't want to let him go. He was a grown man, married with a kid, but I wanted to protect him. Haha. Growing up, knowing he existed but not seeing him, I daydreamed and made up memories. I'd be at the fair with my sisters and wonder which ride R.F.N would like... When I was bullied in high school, I'd push my lower lip out and think these kids wouldn't have dared to touch me if my big bro had been here. 

I loved him and trusted him even before I met him.

Now that I am getting ready to move far far away from him (929mi away to be exact)...I decided to spend a few days with him and his family. The love I feel for my brother is like nothing I have ever felt. 

We sit up late into the night catching up on the years we have missed. We do the things we should have been allowed to do, like pillow fight, or sing, or discuss relationships... We go shopping together, go out for dinner, laugh, cook, dance, cry. I can be me with him and not worry what he thinks, because I know he'll love me anyway. He has become my best friend, he knows me more than anyone else.

Okay, to you this might not seem as big a deal as it is to me. But i grew up knowing he existed but he just wasn't there. I grew up wishing my one and only big brother was there for me. And now he is. I am a grown woman and he still tries to buy me candy when we go to a store. He comes to my room in the morning and we talk about nothing and everything while I'm still in bed and he's sprawled across the floor. Leaving him will be hard, but necessary. I know my phone bill will show exactly how much I miss him..I better make him one of my Faves..hehe.

R.F.N's slowly getting spoilt lil sis,
MystiQue

Lessons Learnt

I came expectant, excited and terrified. I saw what I was expecting, and that my excitement and terror were very justified. And on the 9th of May I conquered it all. The door that was shut in my face in the previous post, the one I was staring at...opened suddenly a few days ago, and now standing on the other side, I am at a loss for words. You know how people always tell you that everything happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learnt in every trial and after every hurdle... 'they' forget to tell you how to see the lesson, or the reasons. The day the door burst open, I sat down and tried to do that which my mother used to complain I never did: listen. After listening, and listening...I finally got the following out of it:

1. Complete Surrender

It is a moment's thought (or less) to say Lord I am letting go of the reins... it takes a breath (or less) to say that He is the Controller and Leader of my life. But it takes so much more to really and completely...Surrender. When that door was closed in my face, I was angry...wait angry is an understatement... I was furious, putrid, fuming...and every other word that means very very angry that you can think of. I didn't understand why. Why, if I had completely given Him control, bad things were happening to ruin 'the plan.'

The lesson: When you completely let go, you have No control, and therefore you should not be angry when things go a certain way... It takes more that just a prayer to completely surrender, it takes understanding exactly what you're surrendering and what surrendering it will mean...

2. Special Treatment

I have always prided myself on being level headed, and humble. In my mind I am still the little brown skinned girl, running around under the warm African sun, and dancing in the rain. But I am human. I think the interviews, and the praise, and the awards were slowly...but surely getting to my head. I would walk into an office, say my name, and immediately get congratulations and questions and more praise. People would stop me in the street and know I was the girl from Zimbabwe, and tell me they were happy for me. It blew my head up...

The lesson: Our achievements and accomplishments aren't even ours. They are droplets of Mercy...showers of Blessing sent to touch more than just us, sent for a purpose. They are not ours to bask in or take pride in. The door that was closed in my face should have been closed. I was slacking banking on what i called credit, from the success I had had.

This experience taught, or rather reminded, me i don't deserve any better treatment than the next man. Who I am, what I have done or where I have been, does not determine how people should act around me, or what they should be willing to put on the line so I can go on. My dreams are my dreams, they are my responsibility. I expected people to see i had places to go and people to see. I expected them to drop it all, risk it all and push me ahead...Uhm, it don't work that way honey. My dream, my passion, my work, my neck on the line...

Constantly learning,
MystiQue

Flowery Thoughts...

I am alive!! Have you ever watched one of those incredibly cheesy cartoons? Ones where there's always a scene with a skinny animal that gets whacked on the head or run over, but for some weird reason the poor animal keeps grinning wider and brighter than ever? I am a skinny animal in a very cheesy cartoon. I got whacked over the head, and run over....but for some weird reason I am still grinning!! I'm still in deep shit, but I'm dealing with it...rather escaping away from it...in words, meaningless maybe, but words nonetheless:

 It's here again...

That feeling...

It's here, unmistakable

I feel it

The warm buzz, 

just under my skin

The butterfly like flutters

deep inside my chest...

The slightly euphoric high...

That always leaves me...

cracking random smiles

with more pep in my step

with my mind wondering

and my mind racing

my hands sweating

Welcome back, Love.

Trying to deal with it,

MystiQue

Forbidden Anger

Writing has always been my way out. Writing has always been my survival mechanism. On paper, and now lately via a bolg, I can  (or attempt to) pour out the thoughts and emotions bubbling inside me, and quite frankly driving me nuts. Words dont judge me, words dont stop listening at some point, they dont interupt me, or share my secrets. I can trust words. I need words, espescially right now. Deep breath. I am...going through a very hard patch in my life right now, hell I am hating life right now. More and more lately I find myself  retreating from the present, burying myself in the past, or in a daydream. Anything to get me away from the mess and depression that my 'life' has apparently turned into.

I am choke full of emotions. I am terrified, depressed, anxious, and lately very very angry. The few people I know, and the even fewer who know me, have of course provided the contrite words of comfort. Apparently I am not allowed to feel so angry, espescially at God. I half expected a bolt of lightening to strike me down just for saying that. You probably feel I should feel, nor say tht either. But I am. I love my God, and since I also fear him, I am not allowed to be angry at Him. H e knows all and sees all, so I have no right to question Him, nor do I have a right to expect answers. The tears havent stopped flowing, and with each waking hour I feel worse, so I am going to use my words to let it out.

I let it go, I let it ALL go. I let You Lord, guide my steps. I let go of all the plans I had made, I let go of all the dreams I made, allowing you to Lead me. You led me to a completely new career. I would have never dreamed, not in a million years, of doing research, let alone get a PhD. You led me through it. The exams, the applications, the interviews, the admissions. They were not my decisions because I had on idea where I was being led. Now I stand at the door. At the cliff. Here I stand at the end of this era, waiting to cross the threshhold...and You shut the door. I am confused, and I am very angry. I am told to Praise You through every circumstance, but right now that is so hard to do. My mind sways to You telling me that this new way was the way to go. I cant get there with this door shut in my face. How am I supposed to remain faithful, and believe in your Plans for me, and in your Promises if it feels like none of them have been fulfilled in my life? How am I supposed to do Your will, and Your work if every moment I am in pain and asking why. How am I supposed to go on without answers??

Broken, 

MystiQue

The Random thoughts of a Hungy Woman

Times like the present have me wishing. Times like now have me day-dreaming and reminiscing. Times like these leave me with a dull ache in my chest. It is on days like today, I wish 'things' weren't the way they are. Weird as it may seem, I think deeper and push the boundaries of sanity more when I am hungry. So it is in moments like now, when my stomach seems to be digesting itself that I delve deep into my thoughts, and come up with totally random ideologies and conclusions. What better place to put them than on this handy-dandy blog that wont roll its eyes at me, or suggest I go for psychiatric evaluation. I am not crazy, I am just hungry, damn it...

The past coupla days saw me taking a huge step, a step that was fairly overdue. A step that might have left a lot of loose ends for me to wrap up, but was beneficial to all involved. And as with all major difficult steps, my decision left me a little lightheaded, excited, confused, expectant...but certain. I finally let go... 'You finally let go?' I hear someone ask? Yes, I did. 'Well, why were you holding on?' I think I hear someone else ask. Ah my dear reader, questions had me holding on. Questions that I had to ask...and answer before I knew which turn to take. Asking and answering them all here would make this post longer than we would both like. So today you'll only read of two...

Love. What is it?
Yeah, yeah...most people agree that the definition is the one found in a dictionary (look it up). I, however, have always thought the definition of love relative. One tailors it to their own circumstances and experiences. This most recent circumstance other than teaching me what love was, had me realizing what love was not. Its not everyday MystiQue pleads guilty, but in this case I was guilty as charged. I made my definition of love so tailored and 'relative', I convinced myself that what wasn't love...was. Love does not compromise, as I did. Love is not impatient, as I was most times. Love does not try to change its subject, as I did so many times. Love does not wish for something more, or less...as I so often did. Love does not convincing, it does not need justification or reasons, as I tried to provide. Most importantly love does not try as hard or as often as I did... Love accepts, love understands, love is patient, love is spontaneous, love does not need a reason, love is not convenient... Love is what I had not felt for a while.

On Happiness...whose?
As I said in a previous post happiness is mostly so scarce in life, when found it should be preserved, and sought constantly. When sought, and not found, all pursuit should be halted,and new avenues pursued. It is a 'survival tactic.' So when in 'love' who should be happy? Is it the one who changes the other, and rejoices as the other conforms to his/her needs? Or is it the one who continues in their ways, blissfully unaware of their other's need or want of change? I think neither. And when neither is happy, the pursuit of happiness has failed, and a new avenue necessary...

As more random thoughts sprout, I see the need to stop, before I completely ignore these walls of sanity barely holding me in.

Blessed MystiQue over and out, in search of sustenance..ahem FOOD!!

On Sexuality

They say every girl/woman experiences that phase, most of us come out on the other side...others however remain there, turning the period into a lifetime and the phase a lifestyle. It might happen to men, but since I am not privileged enough to be one, I cant speak for that side of the equation. They say every woman goes through that doubt phase, the never talked about 'bi-curious' phase. Keep watching this space and you'll come to realize that I appreciate all the phases in my life enough to be comfortable with the woman I have become. My bi-curious phase lasted all of a day! My second year in college I woke up feeling extremely lonely. Life then wasnt easy for a slightly overweight African student, who spent most of her day buried in a thick book, or in a stifling lab coat. Not yet understanding the ways of 'American men,' I was yet to talk to one outside the classroom, let alone date. So on this particular morning I woke up feeling lonely, and convinced I hated men. I was sure they hated me right back. I spent my first and only da as a lesbian in baggy pants and a huge huge white tee. It was strangely exhilarating and I felt invincible. No weird looks from the guys, and no snide remarks from the girls! BUT by the ed of the day, I somehow (maybe divinely) remembered that I was very straight, and some of the reasons why...

I love men. From my father, to my brother, my nephew, the love of my life, my future sons...I love them all. I love the way nomatter how old, or powerful a woman might be, a (real) man will try to make sure she is OK. I love the confidence (real) men exude, the promise that they can and will always be there, standing strong.. I love the vulnerability in them. I love that look that a woman might catch, if she's lucky, when a (real) men lets his guard down... Men are beautiful creatures. Precious, unmatched pieces of art, I told boyfie once that male curves are higly underestimated...I better end there.

So tonight, in my hours of insomnia, I thought to remember my day as a lesbian, and to ask myself why it lasted just a day... Men, I appreciate you tonight.

Precious Drops

The most common quotes on life describe how difficult or unfair it is. Very few are on the beauty and 'wonderfulness' of it. Life IS hard, and it IS unfair, but once in a while it drops precious drops of joy on us. Unexpected, precious, invaluable blessings that leave a smile on your face, and a warm sensation in your chest. Kinda like the one I am feeling now...

The wonderful people I meet each day are my drops of joy. Going from strangers to kindred spirits is one of life's well guarded and underestimated mysteries. Treasure the people around you. Smile at the weird lady in the street. Laugh with the angry looking man in the isle. Appreciate the people around you, love them, enjoy them... because they are Godsent...your daily drops of joy. To all the people I have met because of and through this blog so far, I appreciate the smiles you have sent, I appreciate the appreciation... You are my precious, precious drop.

Marriage, kids...and Me.

It doesn't matter how it comes. Like a sudden jarring realization, or a smooth subtle conviction, the point is Everyone (women faster than men) gets to that page. That page where you see your whole life written and painted, the highs the lows, the dreams, the pain... You get to that page one day, read the whole thing and soak in the last line. The line that tells you its time. Time to 'settle down.' I have always loved children, and no not in the way every girl/woman loves kids. I don't love them because they are cute or cuddly. I love the life I see in them. Children to me, are promises. Promises of what's to come. They are blessings, 'bundles of joy.'
You get the point, but lately holding someone else's bundle of joy hasn't been enough. I get a dull ache in my chest when a baby lays his/her head on my shoulder... I take that as my body's way of telling me it is physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to produce a human being :)

BUT thats just half the story... For years I thought I understood the meaning of marriage. I mean how hard can it be, huh? You fall in love, have a fancy wedding, and live together. Period. Boy was I mistaken. In the last year I have realized I was completely off the mark, and blissfully naive! But I am not too naive to realize that I am still learning, I'll probably still be learning until my last breath. Marriage should be defined as 'two becoming one.' Just the seemingly simple act of deciding to get married is more complex that I could have ever imagined. It is the decision to merge oneself with another human being. To decide to put ones needs after those of another. To be there (really) always. To love completely, totally, without demand, or expectaion... Whoa...

And over the past year I have discovered that the decision to get married isnt even my own! It is God's. All I have to do is let go of the reigns, and let him mold me, and mold 'future hubby.' So...I'd make a great mommy right now, but I am ready to be a lifetime mother? Wife? No. I am not. I have a long way to go, realizing that is the easy part, now to let the boyfie know (lol).

There are a lot of aspects of my life I need to work on; mentally, physically, emotionally...spiritually. You, my dear reader will see (rather read) me dig deep, find all the faults, begin work, fall, jump back up, re-evaluate...and by Faith...Succeed to become the Woman I am destined to be... Watch this space!!!

The End of an Era

Growing up I rolled my eyes every time my mother said "Time flies, nothing lasts." Especially during the terrible pubescent/teen years when my emotions took me on wild roller coaster rides daily, I couldn't imagine myself past that phase. Now as I stand at the end, I finally appreciate her words. Time really did fly. It flew so fast it feels like only yesterday I waved goodbye to mama at the airport, or the day I sat in my first ever biology course. It certainly does not feel like 4years. In 14 days I will close the book on a phase of my life, in 14 days I will say goodbye to the place I had finally learned to call home. I will say goodbye to the professors I hated and loved, I will say goodbye to the scantily dressed girls and golden toothed men I never understood (not that I tried that hard). 

Hmm.. Actually I will be doing more than just graduate, I will be saying goodbye to the dreams I dreamt here, to the lessons I learnt. Right here at this desk I realized (albeit a little late) that though that lab coat looks damn good on me, my heart is not that of a doctor. I wont go deeper into that decision yet, as I am still unlocking doors in my mind and unearthing emotions... Emotions and facts that led me to conclude that the title of healer, is not to be mine. At least not in this lifetime...

So how do I feel? I feel a host of emotions. I am terrified, excited, exhausted, proud, emotional... but ready. Something tells me I will discover more emotions over the next two weeks, and you my dear new friend, will be lucky enough to hear (or read) all about it!!!