Marriage, kids...and Me.

It doesn't matter how it comes. Like a sudden jarring realization, or a smooth subtle conviction, the point is Everyone (women faster than men) gets to that page. That page where you see your whole life written and painted, the highs the lows, the dreams, the pain... You get to that page one day, read the whole thing and soak in the last line. The line that tells you its time. Time to 'settle down.' I have always loved children, and no not in the way every girl/woman loves kids. I don't love them because they are cute or cuddly. I love the life I see in them. Children to me, are promises. Promises of what's to come. They are blessings, 'bundles of joy.'
You get the point, but lately holding someone else's bundle of joy hasn't been enough. I get a dull ache in my chest when a baby lays his/her head on my shoulder... I take that as my body's way of telling me it is physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to produce a human being :)

BUT thats just half the story... For years I thought I understood the meaning of marriage. I mean how hard can it be, huh? You fall in love, have a fancy wedding, and live together. Period. Boy was I mistaken. In the last year I have realized I was completely off the mark, and blissfully naive! But I am not too naive to realize that I am still learning, I'll probably still be learning until my last breath. Marriage should be defined as 'two becoming one.' Just the seemingly simple act of deciding to get married is more complex that I could have ever imagined. It is the decision to merge oneself with another human being. To decide to put ones needs after those of another. To be there (really) always. To love completely, totally, without demand, or expectaion... Whoa...

And over the past year I have discovered that the decision to get married isnt even my own! It is God's. All I have to do is let go of the reigns, and let him mold me, and mold 'future hubby.' So...I'd make a great mommy right now, but I am ready to be a lifetime mother? Wife? No. I am not. I have a long way to go, realizing that is the easy part, now to let the boyfie know (lol).

There are a lot of aspects of my life I need to work on; mentally, physically, emotionally...spiritually. You, my dear reader will see (rather read) me dig deep, find all the faults, begin work, fall, jump back up, re-evaluate...and by Faith...Succeed to become the Woman I am destined to be... Watch this space!!!