Forbidden Anger

Writing has always been my way out. Writing has always been my survival mechanism. On paper, and now lately via a bolg, I can  (or attempt to) pour out the thoughts and emotions bubbling inside me, and quite frankly driving me nuts. Words dont judge me, words dont stop listening at some point, they dont interupt me, or share my secrets. I can trust words. I need words, espescially right now. Deep breath. I am...going through a very hard patch in my life right now, hell I am hating life right now. More and more lately I find myself  retreating from the present, burying myself in the past, or in a daydream. Anything to get me away from the mess and depression that my 'life' has apparently turned into.

I am choke full of emotions. I am terrified, depressed, anxious, and lately very very angry. The few people I know, and the even fewer who know me, have of course provided the contrite words of comfort. Apparently I am not allowed to feel so angry, espescially at God. I half expected a bolt of lightening to strike me down just for saying that. You probably feel I should feel, nor say tht either. But I am. I love my God, and since I also fear him, I am not allowed to be angry at Him. H e knows all and sees all, so I have no right to question Him, nor do I have a right to expect answers. The tears havent stopped flowing, and with each waking hour I feel worse, so I am going to use my words to let it out.

I let it go, I let it ALL go. I let You Lord, guide my steps. I let go of all the plans I had made, I let go of all the dreams I made, allowing you to Lead me. You led me to a completely new career. I would have never dreamed, not in a million years, of doing research, let alone get a PhD. You led me through it. The exams, the applications, the interviews, the admissions. They were not my decisions because I had on idea where I was being led. Now I stand at the door. At the cliff. Here I stand at the end of this era, waiting to cross the threshhold...and You shut the door. I am confused, and I am very angry. I am told to Praise You through every circumstance, but right now that is so hard to do. My mind sways to You telling me that this new way was the way to go. I cant get there with this door shut in my face. How am I supposed to remain faithful, and believe in your Plans for me, and in your Promises if it feels like none of them have been fulfilled in my life? How am I supposed to do Your will, and Your work if every moment I am in pain and asking why. How am I supposed to go on without answers??

Broken, 

MystiQue