Birthday Reflections.

I am yet to meet anyone whose birthdays are always as emotional as mine. In one day I go through so many thoughts, emotions, ups and downs that honestly by midnight I'm glad the day is over.

The Downs:

I left home for college on my birthday...six years ago. My first day in a new country was rough. As rough as you can imagine it being for a 17 year old African girl, who had not finished high school, had grown up fairly comfortable and sheltered...and now found herself in a 97% African-American college with no friends or relatives anywhere near. Now every birthday that rolls by, I remember that last goodbye at the airport. The last time I was in my mother's arms, the hope and innocence that filled me. I wonder how it's been 6 years since that day. I remember all the 'things' I have been through. Things I dont have the courage to talk about to anyone, or even think of writing about, yet...

The Ups:

Man, I have met some evil people. I have been in situations no mother would want their child in, but God carried me through. I have been terrified. I have been helpless. I have been homeless. Almost abused, taken advantage off, scared for my life....but God pulled me through. In 6 years I have learnt so much. So much about myself, about human beings, about my God. I have learnt lessons you can only learn if you've been as low as I have been. In the past 6 years God has helped me accomplish things most African girls that never finished high school will never have the chance to try for. A bachelors and masters degree in science at 23 is not bad, if I may say so myself.

So though I am still glad my birthday came, and passed this year...I am even more glad to be where I am now.

Of new beginnings: began and pending

It’s really ironic, or maybe more sad than ironic. I started this blog for the sole purpose of spilling out my thoughts, opinions, and insecurities in the form of words into cyberspace where they could no longer burden me…Now in my most trying times, when I have inexplicable, and impossibly heavy thoughts and insecurities, I avoid my blog for months, because I have no words to describe the contents of my head and heart. Sad, right?

Ten months since I last wrote on this blog, TEN MONTHS? Seriously? Geez! That should give you a hint as to how ‘not myself’ I have been lately, well not so lately it seems. Anyhoo…just browsing over my last few blogs (from ten months ago), I had to chuckle because man oh man so much has changed in my life, and in my ‘wants’. First off, the ‘demon possessed colleague’ I wished would get fired…left work about 2 months after I wrote about him. No credit to me, however, he (demon-possessed-colleague) deserves it ALL. He quit, well let’s just call it quitting. It caused a great big shebang here…people changing locks to cabinets…etc. But now so many months later, he is turning into a story we only tell at gatherings or to new employees: “You’re lucky you weren’t here when *bleep*….” SO that’s one good thing.

And my sudden calling to teaching? Umm…yeah, that’s history too. The reason why it was so hard for me to accept a future as a college professor was simply because I didn’t ‘really’ want it. FYI: once you get into a PhD program (disclaimer: in my field)…you only get so many options. To me ten months ago, teaching was the best option on a very short list. The things I thought I could do with a PhD, I cant, well not really. What I need to do those things I ran away from because I got spooked…ugh. Long story short, I wont be here for long. I am not spooked anymore…I’m going for what I really wanted. Now, that’s my calling. I’ll come back and let you know what ‘that’ path is once I end this one…so watch this space…I swear I wont be gone another ten months, hehe.

Aside from making life altering decisions, I decided to start a hustle. Yes, a hustle. I have been doing my own hair for 2 years now, and I think I do a fairly good job, so why not do hair and get paid instead of spening my entire Saturday watching Snapped reruns over and over…? First client is this weekend, May God be with me!!

And with you J

Love,

"We learn by teaching -- James Howell"

A few weeks ago, after over a year in grad school, it hit me... I have no idea what I want to do after this. After college, the decision to go to grad school was a fairly easy one. I graduated from a college here in the US, and I wanted to stay here. My family is in Australia, and I didnt want to go there. Grad school was basically the best option. They would pay for my tuition, and pay me too! Perfect. I picked a PhD program because I didnt want to go for a Masters, finish in two years, then have to decide what to do. I figured 5 years working on a doctorate would give me time to learn and have an epiphany or something.
Now that I have been at this for a year; I have learnt about all or most of my options. I now know what other people are using their PhD degrees for...but I am nowhere closer to deciding what I will do. Right now, the thing looking more and more promising and attractive and relatively easy to do....is teaching. Wow! Even typing the word still freaks me out. I get flashes of my high school teachers...esp. the ones we made fun off...or the ones who had no idea what they were talking about...or the ones I totally just hated. The possibility that I could turn into one of them completely freaks me out.

Nonetheless, it kinda falls into place with the fact that I am a teaching assistant for one of the classes they teach over in the med school. Some clinical microbiology class for pre-med, pre-dental, and pre-nursing kids. I never, I mean never ever thought I would be saying this, but I am enjoying it. A lot. I love being the one who has all the answers. I love how shy they are and I have to work to make them loosen up. I love seeing their faces light up when they have an "Aha, I get it" moment. It's awesome.

So is this really what I want to do? Knock some sense into mostly reluctant-to-learn college kids? Do I want to be grading papers, and answering endless questions, and setting exams?? Right now I think the answer is yes.

Of demon possessed colleagues…

You know, grad school/research is hard enough on its own without the extra non-related issues that come along with it. I actually don’t mind most of those issues, but I’ve always hated it when other people make my life difficult (almost unbearable in this case) just for the hell of it. I hate it when other people bring misery and anger to other people and it completely SUCKS when you cannot do anything about it/them.

I work with a demon possessed man. Sometimes I don’t think he’s possessed and I am convinced he is just a demon, period. Physically he looks like a cross between a sumo wrestler and a long bearded rock star; so that’s one thing. Emotionally and mentally, I am told he grew up in a not so ideal home (think junkies and alchies) so he has a lot of pent up rage that he has now decided to unleash on us innocent unsuspecting co-workers. He is rude, inconsiderate, stubborn, brooding, and might just take a verbal swing at you for absolutely no reason at all. I was unscathed by his wrath for the first few months I worked here, until he discovered that I was dating another guy we work with, who just happens to be the demon’s arch rival. Sucks, right? I cannot stand the fact that the boss and the rest of the department know what a total jerk this dude is and do absolutely NOTHING about it. I am also not comfortable about the fact that ‘possessed’ just bought a gun. Yes, a pistol or something like that…for ‘target practice he says’…Lord save me…

So the point of this post wasn’t just to complain and whine… I am wondering if people like that who make everyone’s lives miserable ever really make it in life? The evil part of me really hopes they don’t, so that they never have a position of power that they could use to make everyone else as miserable as they are. I hope one day he needs a job really badly and I am the lady in power on the other side of the desk who will throw his application in the trash. The good part of me thinks that everyone deserves a chance and that one day he will meet a nice woman who will show him the error of his ways and have him calm and kind… Nah, I doubt it. No woman will get within 10feet of this dude.

For now, I will stay out his way, try to forget every mean thing he says to me as soon as he says it… I will try to control the urge to add water to all his reagents and buffers, or saw thru the legs of his chair. I will not find out where he lives and pour sugar into his gas tank. I will not. I will pray for him, no matter how hard it is, and hope he gets fired soon :)

Back to work,

Of women, feminism, and hidden biological clocks

I've been thinking about this for a while, and it seems once...maybe twice a week I meet yet another woman who confirms it. I am tired of women, single or otherwise, hiding their loneliness behind 'independence', 'feminism' and 'pursuing their career'. Put a sock in it ladies!

Maybe I am missing something here. Is there anything wrong with a 30-something year old woman being single and admitting that she is lonely? It seems all the women I know in that scenario come up with (sometimes plain ridiculous) reasons why they are where they are and why they are perfectly happy....even though someone with one astigmatic eye can tell they are desperately hoping for Prince Charming to show up...like yesterday. I mean seriously, I think the thicker the blanket of fakeness we hide behind and the more often we recite those lies...the more nights we'll spend crying and sighing.

I was talking to a lady at work today...she is a little over 30, still trying to establish a career... But she is a sterotypical home-maker... Follows all the Macy's and HomeGoods sale, matches her sheets to her kitchen towels etc. I can almost hear her body and heart screaming for a companion...kids...a home to take care of and decorate. However, Prince Charming apparently missed a turn or something and she decided to go back to school. So instead of admitting that she's waiting for him, she insists she doesnt want to marry, and isnt looking!!? Nxa mhan, so frustrating ladies.

Stop the bra burning, be true to yourself (and the rest of us), love your life, love where you're at. Dont be ashamed to admit what you need, dream it, go get it, dont wait for it to find you...and stop hiding your emotions!!

Yah sis,
MystiQue

Note to self in times of doubt

Dear MystiQue,
I have loved you before I knew you,
Maybe it was the force of my love,
and my passion for you to exist...
that made you exist.
I loved every part of you,
maybe it is my love for you that
formed your toes, that grew your fingers...
I loved the fire I felt in you
before you could breathe.
The passion in your heart even before it could beat...
I was awed at the promise of strength,
and the power of success that grew in you
day by day, year by year..
I have watched you grow, change, learn...
I have watched you cry, scream, doubt
I have watched you overcome, rise and get stronger still.
Now I see an amazingly beautiful woman before me
A woman who has been blessed with a mind and heart to envy
A woman man desire and women crave to be
I also see a human.
With faults, and mistakes and with doubts.

You didnt get here on anyone's back, MystiQue;
let alone a man's.
You are bigger than...this.
Dont doubt yourself, rediscover MystiQue
Spend time with her, talk to her. Listen
Spoil her, take care or her, fall in love with her...

The "I" in "We"

Who could have thought that getting my thoughts in order would be such a process. But I'm not complaining. This dark cloud has been looming over me for so long, now that it's being dealt with, I dont care about the process or the work involved I am just glad its being addressed, and/or getting removed.

I need time away, out of this, out of 'us.' I need time to be me, I need time for me. I understand that. But who am I, what do I want to do?? Lately I have been filling my weekends with watching TV with the remote in his hand. What do I enjoy, doing for me?

I have spent so much of my adult life in a relationship with one man or the other, I havent had the time to discover the woman I grew into and what I want. This is interfering with my love life now. I cant be with someone, I cant be part of 'us' when I dont know me.

Who knew that the biggest journey and adventure I would embark on would be a journey to find myself... And as much as I love AOA, I cant take him with me. Reader pray for me that this 'I need time away' talk reaches his ears in the same format and spirit, with the same meaning as it is leaving my mouth.

I love the man, trust me. The past year has been amazing, but if I am to be a happy and irreplaceable member of this team I need to know exactly what I am bringing to the table.
And what I need to find on the table for me to stay.

Identifying and Accepting the Problem.

Something is not right. I dont know how many times I have to say that before my mind accepts that and moves past that to actually find out what the problem is. My heart and mind will only go as far as seeing that there is something wrong; but something stops me there. I hate it. I am scared to admit what the problem is because I am either terrified to deal with it, or I subconciously know what has to be done and quite frankyly "I don wanna"

Something is not right in this relationship. I am not happy, and saying that outloud is not easy, and just makes me even more unhappy. Its like when you walk into an empty room and you immediately feel like running right out, but u dont know why. I read somewhere, a long time ago that to sort out your thoughts, write them out starting with I feel.. Ok, here goes.

I feel alone.
I feel lost
I feel emotionally starved
I feel I am trying too hard
I feel distant.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and he told me I sounded pathetic. It hurt like hell, because if there's one thing I thought I would never sound, it's pathetic.

The problem is I let this relationship swallow me, I changed myself to fit the woman he told me he wanted. I hate this new me, and I hate that he doesnt see what I have sacrificed, because he didnt ask for it. I accept I have a problem. Now to fix it. Damn.

Transferring intelligence

The most common compliment I get from people, whether old friends and new aquaintances is that I am smart, very smart actually. This usually comes after they ask me what I do work and academic-wise. I'm used to the "Wow"s and the look of awe and sometimes envy that brings. Whatever.
Lately things have happened in my life that make me wonder just how valueable it is to be a PhD student, handling deadly viruses everyday, brushing shoulders with big names...if I cant transfer some of that so called intelligence to other parts of my life....say my love-life.
I came to the conclusion that I have been extremely dump when it comes to the way I evaluate and handle my relationships. So dump that writing about it makes me angry at myself. At work, I can tell when a result is 'bad', I know when I need to re-do someething, or change a condition to get better data. But when it comes to dating... I do the same thing over and over, without realizing that it's not working, or the effect(s) it's having on other aspects of my life.
Today's project is transferring my apparent academic intelligence and bringing it home.

Of Girlfriends, Make-up and Lipstick

I could hear them laughing from the front door. I could hear them giggling and talking excitedly as I came up the stairs. At the door, I paused for a second, wanting to delay the moment I intruded on their fun. The sight that met me on the other side of the door was exactly what I expected. The floors of the living and dining rooms were strewn with 'girly' items I had never owned. A million different shades of lipstick and fancy make-up kits, dainty looking shoes and an assortment of hair curling and straightening thingies. I gingerly tip-toed through the paraphenalia, into my bedroom and sat on my bed. As the sounds of the girls' laughter and singing stubbornly reached my ears, I got to thinking...

I have never had a girlfriend. I have had female friends of course, in boarding (high) school, in college, and even now at work and grad school. But I've never had a girlfriend.

A girlfriend is the girl you go shopping for shoes with, one you discuss your new beau with... one you go clubbing with, get drunk with, laugh with, cry with... And I just realized, I've never had one of those. In fact listening to my roommate having the time of her life with 5 of her girlfriends was a very weird experience. I was fascinated, terrified, and irritated...all at the same time

My boyfriend is my best friend....this time it doesnt sound that 'cute.' I take him shoe and candle and perfume shopping. I know when he says "This would look hot on you" he means it. But isnt a girlfriend a necessity. Why dont I have one? Why havent I had one yet? Boyfriend says its because i moved out of home too young (16) so I became 'self-reliant.' And I am too serious with my work and school, so I never had time...or never attracted 'girlfriend material' acquaintances.... Thats all well and good, but who will give me bad advice when i have relationship problems?? Who will help me pick colors for my wedding? Or plan my baby shower?

Whoa. A voice in my head just asked me "Who has always done it??"

Answer: My boyfriend.

This is sad. I need a girlfriend. Ok, lets see if I can find one real girlfriend before the end of the year. *shaking my head*

Stay tuned,

MystiQue

I cant find the switch to turn off my brain. Help.

People, including myself, have always labelled me as a 'thinker.' As flattering as that may sound, this label has caused me quite a bit of pain over the years...the chief reason being that the term is not a label; it's a fact. I do think, I think too much. I used to pride myself at being an analytical person, I'd analyze the minutest details of every situation or object until I was satisfied it was what it seemed or claimed to be. The one problem with that idea is that the one object I over-analyzed was myself.

So..last night, as I usually do when sleep eludes me, I got to thinking. Today was my last day in the lab I have been working in for the last 2months...so of course that was the main topic in my mind. I realized I couldnt wait for today, I couldnt wait to leave this place and set up shop in a completely new place. I smiled, and thought of the last place I had been. I loved it there, but at the end, I couldnt wait to leave. I thought of my last days in college, I loved my college, but when my time was coming to an end...I couldnt wait to leave. I thought about my ex. I had fun with him, we had a good run...but when the milk got sour..i couldnt wait to leave...As my neurons continued firing...I thought about other places I had been in or other people I had met. When time begins to run out, I cant get away from those people or places fast enough...

A realization hit me, so hard I sat up in bed and stared in the darkness with a tight frown on my brow. I am not a psychology person...but I am sure wanting to run from every situation you're in or people you're with is not okay...

I've heard people say they have a fear of commitment... I've never understood it, and I thought it was one of those things I'd never have to deal with. Now here I am, thinking... Am I really afraid to commit? Have I ever been truly committed to someone or something, for a fairly long time, and not considered heading for the hills?? Oh boy :(

Constantly discovering,

MystiQue

Times like these...

Times like these make me wonder;

wonder whether the now seemingly

countless years before I met your

smile were truly as bright as they

seemed now that I am used to the

blinding light of your soul.

Times like these have me thinking;

about all the times I felt satisfied and

content... Now that I know the satisfaction

your touch holds, and the contentment the

scent of your skin provides...

Times like these when I stare at you for hours;

marvelling at the perfect balance of beauty and

masculinity held in your curves; I cant help but

doubt all the things I have praised as beautiful...

Times like these my love, make me remember

every tear I have shed, all the nights I tossed and

turned, and the days I have spent convincing myself

someone or something like you...just did not exist...

These times make me sad... to think that I have

spent so many years deprived of the chance to love you

They make me ecstatic that now I have you... to love..

To stare at during times like these...