Note to self in times of doubt

Dear MystiQue,
I have loved you before I knew you,
Maybe it was the force of my love,
and my passion for you to exist...
that made you exist.
I loved every part of you,
maybe it is my love for you that
formed your toes, that grew your fingers...
I loved the fire I felt in you
before you could breathe.
The passion in your heart even before it could beat...
I was awed at the promise of strength,
and the power of success that grew in you
day by day, year by year..
I have watched you grow, change, learn...
I have watched you cry, scream, doubt
I have watched you overcome, rise and get stronger still.
Now I see an amazingly beautiful woman before me
A woman who has been blessed with a mind and heart to envy
A woman man desire and women crave to be
I also see a human.
With faults, and mistakes and with doubts.

You didnt get here on anyone's back, MystiQue;
let alone a man's.
You are bigger than...this.
Dont doubt yourself, rediscover MystiQue
Spend time with her, talk to her. Listen
Spoil her, take care or her, fall in love with her...

The "I" in "We"

Who could have thought that getting my thoughts in order would be such a process. But I'm not complaining. This dark cloud has been looming over me for so long, now that it's being dealt with, I dont care about the process or the work involved I am just glad its being addressed, and/or getting removed.

I need time away, out of this, out of 'us.' I need time to be me, I need time for me. I understand that. But who am I, what do I want to do?? Lately I have been filling my weekends with watching TV with the remote in his hand. What do I enjoy, doing for me?

I have spent so much of my adult life in a relationship with one man or the other, I havent had the time to discover the woman I grew into and what I want. This is interfering with my love life now. I cant be with someone, I cant be part of 'us' when I dont know me.

Who knew that the biggest journey and adventure I would embark on would be a journey to find myself... And as much as I love AOA, I cant take him with me. Reader pray for me that this 'I need time away' talk reaches his ears in the same format and spirit, with the same meaning as it is leaving my mouth.

I love the man, trust me. The past year has been amazing, but if I am to be a happy and irreplaceable member of this team I need to know exactly what I am bringing to the table.
And what I need to find on the table for me to stay.

Identifying and Accepting the Problem.

Something is not right. I dont know how many times I have to say that before my mind accepts that and moves past that to actually find out what the problem is. My heart and mind will only go as far as seeing that there is something wrong; but something stops me there. I hate it. I am scared to admit what the problem is because I am either terrified to deal with it, or I subconciously know what has to be done and quite frankyly "I don wanna"

Something is not right in this relationship. I am not happy, and saying that outloud is not easy, and just makes me even more unhappy. Its like when you walk into an empty room and you immediately feel like running right out, but u dont know why. I read somewhere, a long time ago that to sort out your thoughts, write them out starting with I feel.. Ok, here goes.

I feel alone.
I feel lost
I feel emotionally starved
I feel I am trying too hard
I feel distant.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and he told me I sounded pathetic. It hurt like hell, because if there's one thing I thought I would never sound, it's pathetic.

The problem is I let this relationship swallow me, I changed myself to fit the woman he told me he wanted. I hate this new me, and I hate that he doesnt see what I have sacrificed, because he didnt ask for it. I accept I have a problem. Now to fix it. Damn.

Transferring intelligence

The most common compliment I get from people, whether old friends and new aquaintances is that I am smart, very smart actually. This usually comes after they ask me what I do work and academic-wise. I'm used to the "Wow"s and the look of awe and sometimes envy that brings. Whatever.
Lately things have happened in my life that make me wonder just how valueable it is to be a PhD student, handling deadly viruses everyday, brushing shoulders with big names...if I cant transfer some of that so called intelligence to other parts of my life....say my love-life.
I came to the conclusion that I have been extremely dump when it comes to the way I evaluate and handle my relationships. So dump that writing about it makes me angry at myself. At work, I can tell when a result is 'bad', I know when I need to re-do someething, or change a condition to get better data. But when it comes to dating... I do the same thing over and over, without realizing that it's not working, or the effect(s) it's having on other aspects of my life.
Today's project is transferring my apparent academic intelligence and bringing it home.