On Sexuality

They say every girl/woman experiences that phase, most of us come out on the other side...others however remain there, turning the period into a lifetime and the phase a lifestyle. It might happen to men, but since I am not privileged enough to be one, I cant speak for that side of the equation. They say every woman goes through that doubt phase, the never talked about 'bi-curious' phase. Keep watching this space and you'll come to realize that I appreciate all the phases in my life enough to be comfortable with the woman I have become. My bi-curious phase lasted all of a day! My second year in college I woke up feeling extremely lonely. Life then wasnt easy for a slightly overweight African student, who spent most of her day buried in a thick book, or in a stifling lab coat. Not yet understanding the ways of 'American men,' I was yet to talk to one outside the classroom, let alone date. So on this particular morning I woke up feeling lonely, and convinced I hated men. I was sure they hated me right back. I spent my first and only da as a lesbian in baggy pants and a huge huge white tee. It was strangely exhilarating and I felt invincible. No weird looks from the guys, and no snide remarks from the girls! BUT by the ed of the day, I somehow (maybe divinely) remembered that I was very straight, and some of the reasons why...

I love men. From my father, to my brother, my nephew, the love of my life, my future sons...I love them all. I love the way nomatter how old, or powerful a woman might be, a (real) man will try to make sure she is OK. I love the confidence (real) men exude, the promise that they can and will always be there, standing strong.. I love the vulnerability in them. I love that look that a woman might catch, if she's lucky, when a (real) men lets his guard down... Men are beautiful creatures. Precious, unmatched pieces of art, I told boyfie once that male curves are higly underestimated...I better end there.

So tonight, in my hours of insomnia, I thought to remember my day as a lesbian, and to ask myself why it lasted just a day... Men, I appreciate you tonight.

Precious Drops

The most common quotes on life describe how difficult or unfair it is. Very few are on the beauty and 'wonderfulness' of it. Life IS hard, and it IS unfair, but once in a while it drops precious drops of joy on us. Unexpected, precious, invaluable blessings that leave a smile on your face, and a warm sensation in your chest. Kinda like the one I am feeling now...

The wonderful people I meet each day are my drops of joy. Going from strangers to kindred spirits is one of life's well guarded and underestimated mysteries. Treasure the people around you. Smile at the weird lady in the street. Laugh with the angry looking man in the isle. Appreciate the people around you, love them, enjoy them... because they are Godsent...your daily drops of joy. To all the people I have met because of and through this blog so far, I appreciate the smiles you have sent, I appreciate the appreciation... You are my precious, precious drop.

Marriage, kids...and Me.

It doesn't matter how it comes. Like a sudden jarring realization, or a smooth subtle conviction, the point is Everyone (women faster than men) gets to that page. That page where you see your whole life written and painted, the highs the lows, the dreams, the pain... You get to that page one day, read the whole thing and soak in the last line. The line that tells you its time. Time to 'settle down.' I have always loved children, and no not in the way every girl/woman loves kids. I don't love them because they are cute or cuddly. I love the life I see in them. Children to me, are promises. Promises of what's to come. They are blessings, 'bundles of joy.'
You get the point, but lately holding someone else's bundle of joy hasn't been enough. I get a dull ache in my chest when a baby lays his/her head on my shoulder... I take that as my body's way of telling me it is physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to produce a human being :)

BUT thats just half the story... For years I thought I understood the meaning of marriage. I mean how hard can it be, huh? You fall in love, have a fancy wedding, and live together. Period. Boy was I mistaken. In the last year I have realized I was completely off the mark, and blissfully naive! But I am not too naive to realize that I am still learning, I'll probably still be learning until my last breath. Marriage should be defined as 'two becoming one.' Just the seemingly simple act of deciding to get married is more complex that I could have ever imagined. It is the decision to merge oneself with another human being. To decide to put ones needs after those of another. To be there (really) always. To love completely, totally, without demand, or expectaion... Whoa...

And over the past year I have discovered that the decision to get married isnt even my own! It is God's. All I have to do is let go of the reigns, and let him mold me, and mold 'future hubby.' So...I'd make a great mommy right now, but I am ready to be a lifetime mother? Wife? No. I am not. I have a long way to go, realizing that is the easy part, now to let the boyfie know (lol).

There are a lot of aspects of my life I need to work on; mentally, physically, emotionally...spiritually. You, my dear reader will see (rather read) me dig deep, find all the faults, begin work, fall, jump back up, re-evaluate...and by Faith...Succeed to become the Woman I am destined to be... Watch this space!!!

The End of an Era

Growing up I rolled my eyes every time my mother said "Time flies, nothing lasts." Especially during the terrible pubescent/teen years when my emotions took me on wild roller coaster rides daily, I couldn't imagine myself past that phase. Now as I stand at the end, I finally appreciate her words. Time really did fly. It flew so fast it feels like only yesterday I waved goodbye to mama at the airport, or the day I sat in my first ever biology course. It certainly does not feel like 4years. In 14 days I will close the book on a phase of my life, in 14 days I will say goodbye to the place I had finally learned to call home. I will say goodbye to the professors I hated and loved, I will say goodbye to the scantily dressed girls and golden toothed men I never understood (not that I tried that hard). 

Hmm.. Actually I will be doing more than just graduate, I will be saying goodbye to the dreams I dreamt here, to the lessons I learnt. Right here at this desk I realized (albeit a little late) that though that lab coat looks damn good on me, my heart is not that of a doctor. I wont go deeper into that decision yet, as I am still unlocking doors in my mind and unearthing emotions... Emotions and facts that led me to conclude that the title of healer, is not to be mine. At least not in this lifetime...

So how do I feel? I feel a host of emotions. I am terrified, excited, exhausted, proud, emotional... but ready. Something tells me I will discover more emotions over the next two weeks, and you my dear new friend, will be lucky enough to hear (or read) all about it!!!