People, including myself, have always labelled me as a 'thinker.' As flattering as that may sound, this label has caused me quite a bit of pain over the years...the chief reason being that the term is not a label; it's a fact. I do think, I think too much. I used to pride myself at being an analytical person, I'd analyze the minutest details of every situation or object until I was satisfied it was what it seemed or claimed to be. The one problem with that idea is that the one object I over-analyzed was myself.
So..last night, as I usually do when sleep eludes me, I got to thinking. Today was my last day in the lab I have been working in for the last 2months...so of course that was the main topic in my mind. I realized I couldnt wait for today, I couldnt wait to leave this place and set up shop in a completely new place. I smiled, and thought of the last place I had been. I loved it there, but at the end, I couldnt wait to leave. I thought of my last days in college, I loved my college, but when my time was coming to an end...I couldnt wait to leave. I thought about my ex. I had fun with him, we had a good run...but when the milk got sour..i couldnt wait to leave...As my neurons continued firing...I thought about other places I had been in or other people I had met. When time begins to run out, I cant get away from those people or places fast enough...
A realization hit me, so hard I sat up in bed and stared in the darkness with a tight frown on my brow. I am not a psychology person...but I am sure wanting to run from every situation you're in or people you're with is not okay...
I've heard people say they have a fear of commitment... I've never understood it, and I thought it was one of those things I'd never have to deal with. Now here I am, thinking... Am I really afraid to commit? Have I ever been truly committed to someone or something, for a fairly long time, and not considered heading for the hills?? Oh boy :(
Constantly discovering,
MystiQue
